Warning: Spontaneous Cranial Explosions Reported in NYC

I cannot leave my office here in the heart of New York City, since on the streets craniums are exploding everywhere because of this. Spontaneous explosions are leaving blood, cranial matter and skull shards everywhere and represent a severe safety risk. I haven't witnessed such an epidemic of cranial explosions since 2004 when George W. Bush was re-elected, when I was hit by a 2" x 3" shard of skull on my right cheek. An inch higher and I would have lost an eye. I don't know how long I will have to bunker down here in my 16th floor office (a safe height from street level cranial explosions which appear to be maxing out at 7 floors), no one quite knows when the danger will abate. As bad as it is, it is not the worst instance of widespread cranial explosion that one can envision hitting New York City, which if it comes to pass will render the city completely unsafe, a veritable free fire zone of exploding blood, skull, and tissue.